N*****, samahani and pole

Let's beat this dead horse, shall we?

Admittedly, I did not watch the Baftas and intentionally ignored any videos on the matter. So the summary I give to you is the summary I received.

A couple of weeks ago, there was an incident at the Baftas where Michael B. Jordan and Delroy Lindo were repeatedly (??) called the n-word by someone in the audience, a guest with tourette’s syndrome. This guest also said the same thing to Wumni Mosaku at some point in the evening. Unless you are employed, you are probably familiar with the uproar this caused on social media, with one side adamant that the guest should have profusely apologised for his language and the other camp advocating that you cannot apologise for a disability.

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Occasionally, someone will tell me about their day and will go into great detail about something that went wrong and frustrated them. Almost always, I will follow up with a ‘sorry about that’. Depending on where they are from, this statement will be addressed differently. Often, the person will say the most perplexing statement; ‘its not your fault’. This is one of those culture shocks that I experienced when I moved to the Netherlands, and a cultural aspect of the West that I refuse to assimilate to.

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I will leave the general discussion of the Baftas and the treatment of people with disabilities to those who know more than I (I, just like Jayme Lawson, believe that the man was exploited by BBC; they could have easily deleted this scene and restricted it from being published). What I will, however, highlight is the near aversion of westerners to apologise or sympathise.

In Kiswahili, we have two words that translate to sorry, only that they carry different weights and meanings. Say, for example, I step on your foot. For that, I say ‘samahani’. Samahani is the phrase you use to admit wrongdoing and ask for forgiveness. It is what you say when you atone. Let’s say, however, that you are telling me about someone stepping on your foot and how painful that was. Then I say to you ‘pole’. Pole is the phrase you say to express sympathy. ‘I am sorry that happened to you’. It is an expression of care and concern, not guilt. These two words are nowadays used more interchangeably, but this does not negate their meaning.

I think the notion of sympathising is so far removed from societies that do not encourage community. ‘It’s not your fault’ is a symptom of the aggressive shift into a more individualistic society, especially in the Western world. And sometimes it feels as though the place of sympathy has been overtaken by moral correctness.

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I do think a ‘sorry’ was necessary; a ‘pole’ if you will. I think sympathy was due to the three individuals who were accosted with a word that carries so much violence and hurt. Is this thought so fantastical? Is it delusional to offer sympathy to someone you have hurt unintentionally? Is it so hard for people to conceive the idea that an unintentional action can hurt someone?

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I’m rumbling now; our push for an individualistic society is stripping us of concern. It is stripping us of care. I ran out of salt the other day and remembered living in an apartment where I could have easily run to the neighbours for some, if I was unable to make it to the shops. This idea is probably frowned upon in a ‘I do not owe you anything’ society.

I believe there is a need for a balance. Growing up in a community where everyone is toxically invested in each other's lives is hardly ideal, but I’m not sure I am looking forward to trading it for a community that cannot give me salt if I need it.

I guess what I am saying is that our lack of sympathy is a direct result of our lack of community. It is another thing that we choose to forgo in our individualistic mindset.

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I implore you to never call me the n-word. I fear I do not possess as much grace as Michael, Delroy or Wumni. I will insult you, I might even jump you.